Update

We now have 2 potential surrogates. One with whom we are the "preferred client" and the other we are "numero 2" and a conversation later today will determine whether we become number 1.

Surro 1 is the one mentioned in my last post who according to my RE is too thin to start a surrogacy. Apart from the "weight" she is a very personable and easy going young woman and there are no apparent red flags. She is very willing to try and gain weight and has already started seeing a nutritionist to help her along this path. The nutritionist has advised her to first obtain a full workup from her family doctor and suggested some specific tests that would give some insight as to why her thyroid is not functioning properly. Once he has that information he would then be able to properly create a diet that would help her gain weight. We are thrilled that she is taking this positive step and will support her as much as possible.

Surro 2 is mum of 2, married and had a tubal ligation at last pregnancy. She is currently in talks with other IPs based in Europe. She has been very honest in always letting us know about their existence but also wanted to talk to us before she made her final decision. We have a phone call planned for later this evening. Again no red flags but with this surro it feels as though we are bidding on a house that everyone wants ...and the highest bidder always wins. If the decision were left to my husband that would be us but I have no desire to incur huge and preventable debt.

Depending on who you ask our relationship with "nasty agency" has taken a turn for the worst or the better. Got an e-mail saying that because we had registered with another agency that there was a conflict of interest and that they could no longer work with us...BULLSHIT. There is nothing in our agreement that prohibits us from working with another agency especially since under the terms of our agreement they had 6 months to provide us with a surrogate that led to an executed contract and at the end of that our money was to be returned minus an administrative fee. We also believe that the e-mail was her responding to us deciding not to meet with a potential surro that she had sent us. This individual was on antidepressants and was not willing to stop. Was this selfish of us to ask her to? Maybe but though many studies said there was no danger to a pregnancy, an equal number also quoted an increase risk of miscarriages. This information plus the knowledge that her last surro journey had ended in a miscarriage at 13weeks made us rather uncomfortable.

To any Canadians who may be following my blog be very wary of any agency who practices boiler room tactics, the oldest game in the book "you have to choose now or we're going to pass her on to another parent".

Back in the saddle

The search resumes for a surrogate. We are really hoping to use an independent surrogate this time around and avoid the debacle we had last time around. We have met with one potential surrogate thus far and though she seems nice, there is some reservation about her weight and possible thyroid issues. I have emailed my RE with just some basics hoping that he will provide some feedback regarding these issues and whether she should probably first be screened by her family Dr. I hate the possibility of paying another $1500 to screen someone who we may then be told is unsuitable and could probably been eliminated from the onset with screening done at the family doctor level.

This whole process is so damn frustrating!! In the last few weeks there were many moments where I simply wanted to walk away from all this...no I am not considering suicide...just a new life with different goals and expectations and maybe adoption...something my husband is yet to embrace.

BFN

Jimmy, Benny, Garry and Mikee are gone...

Life without children

I read this post on KC's site and it broke my heart because I realized that I too would lead a less than full life if we're never able to be parents. When our son died a few years ago, a part of me was lost for ever. A light went out that day and it may never shine again. KC, I echo your pain and I pray that you and I and the numerous men and women who long to be parents have our prayers and dream fulfilled.

You can read KC's blog by following the link below.

http://kcoryfertility.blogspot.com/2011/05/could-life-go-on-without-kids.html

lucky 4

The quads are in...yes we did 4. Given my age it is unlikely that more than 2 will implant, in fact the probability that none will is probably the highest but we are trying hard not to think in such negative terms. They were grade 2, 8-cell and 1 9-cell. I had 2 sessions of acupuncture, one before and one after. Another is scheduled for Saturday.

Now we pray and have faith. TMI alert---horrible constipation so off to make a ANOTHER prune smoothie :)

Harvest

Retrieval was today. I do not recall much of the procedure but I was very uncomfortable and in a lot of pain pre retrieval. Now recovering and feeling quite sore. Transfer is planned for this Wednesday but we're hoping that we could move that to a 5 day.

27 eggs were harvested so I am drinking lots of Gatorade and Ensure and eating lots of salt to ward off OHSS.

Off to prepare the first PIO shot. Let the fun times begin :(

HCG shot

Just administered my HCG shot. Eggs are definitely cooking. Despite my fears of bloating and discomfort, the cycle has for the most part been comfortable. ER is scheduled for Sunday at 11:30am and transfer a few days later. Hoping for a 5 day but that would depend on the results of the fertilization.

I pray that this is our year, that this mother's day will find us celebrating.

Now back to bed...feeling horrible, battling a cold, awful timing.

Cycle Day 1

Here we go again. I wasn't sure whether to document this cycle but realized that not doing so would be giving into fear and already assuming the worst. I had my suppression check yesterday and all my numbers were good, blood work was great and my AMH though slightly lower was still very good.

Our regular Dr. was away so we saw a replacement Dr. At first I was a bit irritated that our Dr was not in but at the end I felt very happy that we had met him. He was calm and had didn't have the rushed approach of our Dr. L. He felt that despite our lack of success to date that the numbers still tipped strongly in our favour and that we should be positive and think happy thoughts. That is my goal for this cycle...to be happy and relaxed and to remain positive.

Nightmare

There are days when I feel as though I am Job and today is definitely one of them. Where do I begin...legal agreement was drafted and sent to the surrogate but we just received a message from the fertility agent (whom I don't like at all because she is an instigator and has been very dishonest and unethical throughout the entire process) that the surro has decided not to go forward with us.

This is not the first time that we have gotten such a message and to be frank I am tired of all this emotional blackmailing. This whole period has been so trying and I am relying on my faith and inner strength (what little I have left) to keep on going. I won't be going into too much details but I can tell you that this has me questioning the goodness in people.

I am not mad at the surro because I think that she is simply a pawn in this game being played by the agent but I am a bit irritated with her because she seems to let others constantly make decisions for her. We are still hoping to resolve this but our one condition will be that the agent is out of the equation. She is a nasty piece of work!

Where do we go from here? I don't know. We have already invested so much money and I am sure getting back any of our money from the agent will be hell although legally we are within our rights to have our money back.

Yesterday had an appt with my Family Dr and discovered that according to her records last year right before IVF#2 I had a 4cm cyst on right ovary which probably explains the pain I was feeling and and why it was so difficult for RE to retrieve the eggs. It may also have accounted for the disappointing fertilization report. We suspect RE may have punctured cyst while retrieving the eggs making for a hostile environment for the eggs...ah well what has been done can't be undone.

Dr. Arrogant

Quite a few things have happened in the last few weeks. I met with my RE who freaked me out when he asked whether I had a history of endometriosis....WHAT?? This question left me very uneasy for several days and after pondering on it and talking to DH and a close former infertile friend, I have decided to discuss with him the concerns that I have.

1. the fact that such an important part of my medical infertile history seems to have slipped his mind.

2. He prescribed me similar medications, (predinisone and Dexamethasone) but i was never instructed to discontinue one for the other and it was not explained why I was taking the latter.

My RE comes very highly recommended but I am really troubled by the fact that he simply writes the prescriptions but does not discuss what they are for and seems to have no time for questions. This is driving me crazy.

A partner of a close friend who also shared the same RE keeps saying "he gets the job done" but at what cost is my response... is it really okay to compromise my health just because my RE is arrogant and cant be bother to actually take the time to read my damn chart!!!

On a more pleasant note, I am now on BCP as is our surro so things will start happening very soon.

Current medications: baby aspirin, metformin 3x, levothyroxine, prenatal. I am basically taking a pill every couple hours until I fall asleep :(

International Women Rights Day

According to an article in the Globe and Mail, "the war has been won and women in the west have no reason to gripe". The author notes and I quote "women with the same work experience as men generally make the same money as men".

Though I disagree with the overall conclusions reached by the author, I must concur that today as women living in the West, we do have a lot more freedoms and opportunities. Much more than the Darfur refugee, the Haitian mother, the Afghan woman suffering from spousal domination, the Ethiopian girl; a mother much too early.

Today my struggles seem minor compared to these women and girls. Tonight I will have a delicious organic meal, sleep in a warm bed, rise in the morning and go to my "well-paying" (could be better :-)) job, laugh with my friends and family but I will not forget their struggles and I will remember them in my prayers.

To the Women of the World, Congratulations on your achievements, no matter how big or small!!

Surro Agreement

Received the first draft of our surro agreement tonight, all 36 pages of legalese. Our lawyer has done an excellent job in covering all the bases. This process feels much more in control having her on board.

For the last few days I have been very queasy and had I not had my "friend" a few days ago I would have been rejoicing. Alas I think the culprit is the Metformin that I have been taking on the advice of my RE. One more joyous experience to record in this journey to parenthood.

1 year

Just over a year ago we commenced our first IVF cycle. Full of hope and confident that we would be holding our baby at the end of the year. Today we struggle to stay afloat, to keep going in search of the dream that seems impossible. Each month the hope is alive for about 2 weeks and then dashed again with a quick visit to the bathroom. In a few weeks if all goes well, we will begin again...

I read many blogs and I marvel at other's ability to write, their strength and perseverance, their faith. I want to find that strength, i want to rediscover the girl who loved life and everything it has to offer.

Cycle #1 2011

Already the road to surrogacy is full of bumps and stresses. Although we like our surro and her partner, I am very skeptical of the Agency coordinator who is not being very honest and has been making demands that I find ludicrous and potentially illegal.

I must admit that I was never in favour of going the Agency route primarily because the laws in Canada are so gray with regards to surrogacy that there is much room for abuse. Agencies to date are not regulated and are not bound by any privacy or ethical considerations. This makes me feel very vulnerable.

There are days when I feel the cost of having a child is too much..and I am not referring to the finances of it but the emotional costs...the dozens of BFNs, the overload of medication, the arguments about fertility and the list goes on.....

Then I wonder, why me, why us...why is it so hard for some of us to get pregnant and others not. For example today I am at the pharmacy buying yet another pack of pads after another failed attempt at babymaking. A woman walks up and stands in front of me blocking my view..it's only 8:30am so I mentally tell myself ignore the rudeness and move on...suddenly she decides to share with me about her incontinence..." now that I am pregnant when I cough or laugh I have leakage so I need some maxi pads" I offer my congratulations on her pregnancy and move along, happy to be away from the overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke and BTW she was 7 months pregnant.

Meanwhile I am taking vitamins, yoga, broccoli and all things healthy....but still barren.

happy valentines day :)

Matched

So lots has happened in the last few weeks, skiing, job promotion, accreditation exams....

On Sunday we met with our third prospective surrogate and her Fiance. We enjoyed meeting them both and shared a very pleasant afternoon together. She is very easy going and sweet and he seems very supportive of her decision. I still have many reservations but most have to do with the Agency that provided us with the Surrogate. I am a teeny bit concerned that our prospective surro recently quit smoking but I trust that she will do as she says and remain smoke free.

Medical and psychological screening are booked for early Feb and if all goes well we will have a transfer in late February.

2011

Happy New Year !!

2011 a time for re-birth and regeneration.

Congratulations to all who were successful with BFPs for 2010. You're the inspiration for all of us who are still waiting to see that line!!!

Those still on the journey with me, we will be Parents somehow, someway, someday very soon.

xoxo to ALL!