So a lot has happened since my last post. DH and I celebrated our wedding anniversary, we transferred out last frozen baby and now we are trying to figure out what comes next. In 24 hours I will receive confirmation of yet another failed cycle but even as I write/ type this, I am still hoping for a miracle. After all I am a Christian and faith is a huge part of my religion.
The past month has been tough. Each cycle that goes by without a pregnancy, a piece of me sinks deeper into that awful place that I don't want to go. My faith has been and is being tested every day and I fear that I am failing. There is no preparation for that awful "not pregnant" and the deep gut wrenching sobs are inevitable.
Things I am currently struggling with:
1. Should I quit my job?
2. Gestational surrogate?
3. My Faith!!!
Friends of ours eloped a couple of months ago and now we are walking on thin ice waiting for the big "announcement". When it comes we will be happy for them but also sad that we are still limping along....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
This day is bittersweet for me. On one hand I want to celebrate all the amazing mothers who are a part of my life (and I did) but it is also a stark reminder of the fact that DH and I are still childless.
The day was less difficult than I thought it would be...Started off with a delicious and healthy breakfast prepared by DH. Toast, Scrambled eggs with ham, mushrooms, broccoli and peppers, Oatmeal, Smoothie and a cup of tea...he has definitely earned himself some good points for a rainy day :-)
My Mum and Aunt both made a point of also celebrating me as a mum... which really touched me and made me shed a tear. On days like today, my heart aches for the baby that I grew to love but never got to know. He would have been 10 this year and probably making me breakfast or not :)
My family has been very supportive during this journey and it has made living with infertility much more bearable..our babies when we do have them will be very loved and very LUCKY.
To all my fellow fertility-challenged, may we all be celebrating Mother's Day next year but until then hang in there and stay positive!!