Bum shots

Now past the 7dp3dt and still no signal of an impending pregnancy...this really sucks....the next few days will be very hard to keep positive. Running out of space on my buttocks to inject the PIO so one bum is actually now feeling a bit sore but the pain is still quite manageable. A part of me is resigned to the fact that this cycle is another bust and is ready to start planning for cycle 3 with a surrogate. Before we can take that step we need to resolve whether my eggs are crappy or whether this was a case of my RE miscalculating the retrieval date and that the eggs were post mature. My friends keep insisting that I remain positive and not focus on the negative so i plod on with sunny thoughts and faith in God that he will sustain me and that our cycle will indeed be successful.

2dp3dt

The transfer was smooth and painless. Our two embryos were transferred and to give them a fighting chance assisted hatching was performed. Because this was not discussed prior to the procedure our RE was very generous in not charging us for the procedure. Now we wait. I have taken 2 weeks off work and will occupy my time showing my sister the city and watching lots of cheesy movies. Hubby who has been very good at administering the PIO shots have been inserting the needle only halfway in and this has made the shot a hundred times easier on my bum bum.

IVF #2

It's been awhile since I wrote on the blog in part due to work overload and in part to not having the inspiration to write it all down. A lot has happened in the last few months. We had a lovely vacation in Newfoundland and look forward to our next visit there. On our return, we launched into what is now IVF #2. All the old emotions have surfaces; fear, excitement, trepidation...
This cycle my RE decided to try another protocol which included using Bravelle and Menopur. All in all the medication was easier on my body and I had few side effects or felt any extreme bloating until the last few days.

The Retrieval was as expected quite uncomfortable and I have a vague memory of moaning for "more drugs" which I think they were reluctant to provide given that I was extremely ill after the last retrieval. Despite less medication, I did have quite a bit of nausea and some vomiting. For the remainder of the day, I slept and later went to my MIL's for dinner, all the while pretending that everything is copacetic. Only 9 eggs were retrieved despite a good early showing of 15 follicles. I was quite disappointed and extremely nervous as to what the fertilization report would yield. Indeed it was not good and I am already feeling discouraged as to the outcome of this cycle. To date we have 2 embryos and that number sadly will not improve but could in all likelihood decrease. Transfer is set for Friday and I pray that we will have 2 very strong and healthy embryos to transfer.

Newfoundland

some days are better than others

It comes suddenly and with a force that makes you quiver...I can never predict when I will have one of these moments. The moments where I call on the Lord to give me strength to survive the storm. The days where my heart feels like it's broken and I don't know how to pick up the pieces. Days where I want to lean on someone but I don't know who because I am too afraid of letting anyone see this broken side of me. Days where I work 30 hours because when i am tired I forget. Days where I watch mindless TV because I can fantasize and pretend.

I have suffered losses and disappointments but by far the most difficult was losing our baby several years ago. To this day, i still see his beautiful face, his tiny fingers and toes and the perfect little button nose....I love that child like I have never loved another person or thing...

Today i feel hopeless and lost, the girl in me is dying, i want to preserve her spirit, her fondness for life, her joy at the smallest pleasures but today her spirit is low and her future seems dim but my faith has got me this far and I have to trust that the Lord will get me further.

Post IVF#1

Today we saw our RE to discuss our options and protocol for IVF#2. I am just exhausted with the entire process and ready to explore the idea of a gestational surrogate. However given that we have completed only 1 IVF, RE was pushing for us to do another and possibly a 3rd before going the route of Surrogacy. It is quite an expensive route and has several different components such as the level consequences, medical consequences and the psychological aspect; all of which combine to make for a very trying time. For these reasons, his advice was to hold off on the surrogacy. After the appointment, we spent the afternoon in the Park. Fun but lots of walking and now I am totally pooped.

FIFA 2010

As a woman of West Indian birth and descent, somewhere in my ancestry there were African slaves and today as I watched the FIFA opening ceremony, my eyes welled up with tears of joy for the people of that country, tears of hope for all the people of that country. The smiles on their faces were so bright and full of joy, I am going to channel that hope and joy for our next cycle and tell myself that we can do this. In some ways I am afraid to admit how emotionally draining this experience has been…my soul and spirit has been truly broken but in the words of Maya Angelo “I Rise” and I wil continue to RISE and I will be a mother. God does not give us more than we can bear and I trust that like Hannah and Sarah, I too will bear fruit in my “old age”.