BFN

Jimmy, Benny, Garry and Mikee are gone...

Life without children

I read this post on KC's site and it broke my heart because I realized that I too would lead a less than full life if we're never able to be parents. When our son died a few years ago, a part of me was lost for ever. A light went out that day and it may never shine again. KC, I echo your pain and I pray that you and I and the numerous men and women who long to be parents have our prayers and dream fulfilled.

You can read KC's blog by following the link below.

http://kcoryfertility.blogspot.com/2011/05/could-life-go-on-without-kids.html

lucky 4

The quads are in...yes we did 4. Given my age it is unlikely that more than 2 will implant, in fact the probability that none will is probably the highest but we are trying hard not to think in such negative terms. They were grade 2, 8-cell and 1 9-cell. I had 2 sessions of acupuncture, one before and one after. Another is scheduled for Saturday.

Now we pray and have faith. TMI alert---horrible constipation so off to make a ANOTHER prune smoothie :)

Harvest

Retrieval was today. I do not recall much of the procedure but I was very uncomfortable and in a lot of pain pre retrieval. Now recovering and feeling quite sore. Transfer is planned for this Wednesday but we're hoping that we could move that to a 5 day.

27 eggs were harvested so I am drinking lots of Gatorade and Ensure and eating lots of salt to ward off OHSS.

Off to prepare the first PIO shot. Let the fun times begin :(

HCG shot

Just administered my HCG shot. Eggs are definitely cooking. Despite my fears of bloating and discomfort, the cycle has for the most part been comfortable. ER is scheduled for Sunday at 11:30am and transfer a few days later. Hoping for a 5 day but that would depend on the results of the fertilization.

I pray that this is our year, that this mother's day will find us celebrating.

Now back to bed...feeling horrible, battling a cold, awful timing.

Cycle Day 1

Here we go again. I wasn't sure whether to document this cycle but realized that not doing so would be giving into fear and already assuming the worst. I had my suppression check yesterday and all my numbers were good, blood work was great and my AMH though slightly lower was still very good.

Our regular Dr. was away so we saw a replacement Dr. At first I was a bit irritated that our Dr was not in but at the end I felt very happy that we had met him. He was calm and had didn't have the rushed approach of our Dr. L. He felt that despite our lack of success to date that the numbers still tipped strongly in our favour and that we should be positive and think happy thoughts. That is my goal for this cycle...to be happy and relaxed and to remain positive.

Nightmare

There are days when I feel as though I am Job and today is definitely one of them. Where do I begin...legal agreement was drafted and sent to the surrogate but we just received a message from the fertility agent (whom I don't like at all because she is an instigator and has been very dishonest and unethical throughout the entire process) that the surro has decided not to go forward with us.

This is not the first time that we have gotten such a message and to be frank I am tired of all this emotional blackmailing. This whole period has been so trying and I am relying on my faith and inner strength (what little I have left) to keep on going. I won't be going into too much details but I can tell you that this has me questioning the goodness in people.

I am not mad at the surro because I think that she is simply a pawn in this game being played by the agent but I am a bit irritated with her because she seems to let others constantly make decisions for her. We are still hoping to resolve this but our one condition will be that the agent is out of the equation. She is a nasty piece of work!

Where do we go from here? I don't know. We have already invested so much money and I am sure getting back any of our money from the agent will be hell although legally we are within our rights to have our money back.

Yesterday had an appt with my Family Dr and discovered that according to her records last year right before IVF#2 I had a 4cm cyst on right ovary which probably explains the pain I was feeling and and why it was so difficult for RE to retrieve the eggs. It may also have accounted for the disappointing fertilization report. We suspect RE may have punctured cyst while retrieving the eggs making for a hostile environment for the eggs...ah well what has been done can't be undone.