US Thanksgiving

DH and I met in New York a very long time ago. Our angel was born in NY and we will always have fond memories of the time we lived there. The food coop, Prospect Park, shopping on 7th avenue and the occasional night at the club (southpaw). I am thankful today for those happy memories, for the carefree couple who slept in late on Saturdays and walked in the park. I miss that couple.

To all my US friends and Family - one day I will share this blog with you and when I do, know that on the day before Thanksgiving I was thinking of you and being thankful that you are in my life.

Fall Hiking

Surrogacy 2011

It has been some time since I last posted. Partly because my job is keeping me super busy, preparing for licensing exams and probably more importantly just fearful of putting my thoughts out there. The last cycle was such a bummer that I have gone into full denial and have survived the last few months by pretending that a huge dark cloud is not hanging over our plans to be parents.

There have been lots of arguments and tense moments when I just wanted to pack my bags and run away from the pressures and stress. DH thinks that I am procrastinating, easy for him to say. It's not his body that is subjected to daily injections and almost a dozen different type of medication / pills. I still feel sore from the PIO injections and it has been 2 months!!! I know that he is frustrated and wants to help but sometimes his "help" comes across as pressure. For eg. at 11pm on a Friday night after working 12 hours, do I really need to have a discussion about when we are going back to see the Drs...NO!!!!!! Anyway enough of the griping.

We have a potential GS in mind and she is perfect. We have met her family and every thing thus far is going rather well. The catch of course there's a catch...she is currently preggo with surro baby and the earliest that she will be available is February but could also be as late as April. We are torn between having a back up and waiting for her...

Next step is meeting with the attorney and drafting an agreement that could be modified to suit the GS that we finally decide to work with. We struggled with whether we should use a lawyer (found several GS agreements online) but decided because the law has so many loop holes we would prefer to err on the side of caution. We did consider using an agency recommended by our Dr., but so far the agency in question has proven to be unreliable.

Faith is all I have at this point and even that is faltering...I would never describe myself as weak but at this very moment that is how I feel...weak and vulnerable and desperately trying not to give in to the darkness of depression.

Bum shots

Now past the 7dp3dt and still no signal of an impending pregnancy...this really sucks....the next few days will be very hard to keep positive. Running out of space on my buttocks to inject the PIO so one bum is actually now feeling a bit sore but the pain is still quite manageable. A part of me is resigned to the fact that this cycle is another bust and is ready to start planning for cycle 3 with a surrogate. Before we can take that step we need to resolve whether my eggs are crappy or whether this was a case of my RE miscalculating the retrieval date and that the eggs were post mature. My friends keep insisting that I remain positive and not focus on the negative so i plod on with sunny thoughts and faith in God that he will sustain me and that our cycle will indeed be successful.

2dp3dt

The transfer was smooth and painless. Our two embryos were transferred and to give them a fighting chance assisted hatching was performed. Because this was not discussed prior to the procedure our RE was very generous in not charging us for the procedure. Now we wait. I have taken 2 weeks off work and will occupy my time showing my sister the city and watching lots of cheesy movies. Hubby who has been very good at administering the PIO shots have been inserting the needle only halfway in and this has made the shot a hundred times easier on my bum bum.

IVF #2

It's been awhile since I wrote on the blog in part due to work overload and in part to not having the inspiration to write it all down. A lot has happened in the last few months. We had a lovely vacation in Newfoundland and look forward to our next visit there. On our return, we launched into what is now IVF #2. All the old emotions have surfaces; fear, excitement, trepidation...
This cycle my RE decided to try another protocol which included using Bravelle and Menopur. All in all the medication was easier on my body and I had few side effects or felt any extreme bloating until the last few days.

The Retrieval was as expected quite uncomfortable and I have a vague memory of moaning for "more drugs" which I think they were reluctant to provide given that I was extremely ill after the last retrieval. Despite less medication, I did have quite a bit of nausea and some vomiting. For the remainder of the day, I slept and later went to my MIL's for dinner, all the while pretending that everything is copacetic. Only 9 eggs were retrieved despite a good early showing of 15 follicles. I was quite disappointed and extremely nervous as to what the fertilization report would yield. Indeed it was not good and I am already feeling discouraged as to the outcome of this cycle. To date we have 2 embryos and that number sadly will not improve but could in all likelihood decrease. Transfer is set for Friday and I pray that we will have 2 very strong and healthy embryos to transfer.

Newfoundland