Nightmare

There are days when I feel as though I am Job and today is definitely one of them. Where do I begin...legal agreement was drafted and sent to the surrogate but we just received a message from the fertility agent (whom I don't like at all because she is an instigator and has been very dishonest and unethical throughout the entire process) that the surro has decided not to go forward with us.

This is not the first time that we have gotten such a message and to be frank I am tired of all this emotional blackmailing. This whole period has been so trying and I am relying on my faith and inner strength (what little I have left) to keep on going. I won't be going into too much details but I can tell you that this has me questioning the goodness in people.

I am not mad at the surro because I think that she is simply a pawn in this game being played by the agent but I am a bit irritated with her because she seems to let others constantly make decisions for her. We are still hoping to resolve this but our one condition will be that the agent is out of the equation. She is a nasty piece of work!

Where do we go from here? I don't know. We have already invested so much money and I am sure getting back any of our money from the agent will be hell although legally we are within our rights to have our money back.

Yesterday had an appt with my Family Dr and discovered that according to her records last year right before IVF#2 I had a 4cm cyst on right ovary which probably explains the pain I was feeling and and why it was so difficult for RE to retrieve the eggs. It may also have accounted for the disappointing fertilization report. We suspect RE may have punctured cyst while retrieving the eggs making for a hostile environment for the eggs...ah well what has been done can't be undone.

Dr. Arrogant

Quite a few things have happened in the last few weeks. I met with my RE who freaked me out when he asked whether I had a history of endometriosis....WHAT?? This question left me very uneasy for several days and after pondering on it and talking to DH and a close former infertile friend, I have decided to discuss with him the concerns that I have.

1. the fact that such an important part of my medical infertile history seems to have slipped his mind.

2. He prescribed me similar medications, (predinisone and Dexamethasone) but i was never instructed to discontinue one for the other and it was not explained why I was taking the latter.

My RE comes very highly recommended but I am really troubled by the fact that he simply writes the prescriptions but does not discuss what they are for and seems to have no time for questions. This is driving me crazy.

A partner of a close friend who also shared the same RE keeps saying "he gets the job done" but at what cost is my response... is it really okay to compromise my health just because my RE is arrogant and cant be bother to actually take the time to read my damn chart!!!

On a more pleasant note, I am now on BCP as is our surro so things will start happening very soon.

Current medications: baby aspirin, metformin 3x, levothyroxine, prenatal. I am basically taking a pill every couple hours until I fall asleep :(

International Women Rights Day

According to an article in the Globe and Mail, "the war has been won and women in the west have no reason to gripe". The author notes and I quote "women with the same work experience as men generally make the same money as men".

Though I disagree with the overall conclusions reached by the author, I must concur that today as women living in the West, we do have a lot more freedoms and opportunities. Much more than the Darfur refugee, the Haitian mother, the Afghan woman suffering from spousal domination, the Ethiopian girl; a mother much too early.

Today my struggles seem minor compared to these women and girls. Tonight I will have a delicious organic meal, sleep in a warm bed, rise in the morning and go to my "well-paying" (could be better :-)) job, laugh with my friends and family but I will not forget their struggles and I will remember them in my prayers.

To the Women of the World, Congratulations on your achievements, no matter how big or small!!

Surro Agreement

Received the first draft of our surro agreement tonight, all 36 pages of legalese. Our lawyer has done an excellent job in covering all the bases. This process feels much more in control having her on board.

For the last few days I have been very queasy and had I not had my "friend" a few days ago I would have been rejoicing. Alas I think the culprit is the Metformin that I have been taking on the advice of my RE. One more joyous experience to record in this journey to parenthood.

1 year

Just over a year ago we commenced our first IVF cycle. Full of hope and confident that we would be holding our baby at the end of the year. Today we struggle to stay afloat, to keep going in search of the dream that seems impossible. Each month the hope is alive for about 2 weeks and then dashed again with a quick visit to the bathroom. In a few weeks if all goes well, we will begin again...

I read many blogs and I marvel at other's ability to write, their strength and perseverance, their faith. I want to find that strength, i want to rediscover the girl who loved life and everything it has to offer.

Cycle #1 2011

Already the road to surrogacy is full of bumps and stresses. Although we like our surro and her partner, I am very skeptical of the Agency coordinator who is not being very honest and has been making demands that I find ludicrous and potentially illegal.

I must admit that I was never in favour of going the Agency route primarily because the laws in Canada are so gray with regards to surrogacy that there is much room for abuse. Agencies to date are not regulated and are not bound by any privacy or ethical considerations. This makes me feel very vulnerable.

There are days when I feel the cost of having a child is too much..and I am not referring to the finances of it but the emotional costs...the dozens of BFNs, the overload of medication, the arguments about fertility and the list goes on.....

Then I wonder, why me, why us...why is it so hard for some of us to get pregnant and others not. For example today I am at the pharmacy buying yet another pack of pads after another failed attempt at babymaking. A woman walks up and stands in front of me blocking my view..it's only 8:30am so I mentally tell myself ignore the rudeness and move on...suddenly she decides to share with me about her incontinence..." now that I am pregnant when I cough or laugh I have leakage so I need some maxi pads" I offer my congratulations on her pregnancy and move along, happy to be away from the overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke and BTW she was 7 months pregnant.

Meanwhile I am taking vitamins, yoga, broccoli and all things healthy....but still barren.

happy valentines day :)